Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
